1. Organize, plan, and make goals:
Sometimes that's the literal last thing we feel like doing when we're going through something tough, but it always helps. I bought myself a new planner and decided to sit down every day and plan the next few days and weeks. Having a plan and feeling like there's structure in your life will help make you feel secure and more confident in who you are. Along with that, I have sat down a few times and tried to figure out what I really want in my life. Where do I see myself in 5 years? If I had everything the way I really want it in 5 years, how would that look? I would be married to the love of my life with no regrets on who I chose, living somewhere happy like San Diego (I know there are a lot of other happy places though), with maybe one or two kids, with a masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy, married to someone who spends a lot of time with me and treats me like a princess, and I'd have a few close friends that I could be myself with and who lift me up and I'm there for them as well. I would also be happy and confident enough to actually make time for all of my family members and I'd think of others more. I'd be happy, healthy, confident, and at peace with my life. Now the next part of this type of goal setting is to say, "What do I need to do to get there in 5 years?" For example, I need to get my degree, become emotionally healthy and confident enough to attract the right type of guy, focus less on myself, and continue to save my money. I also feel like I need to put God and the gospel as more of a priority because I know deep down that that's what truly helps with my happiness. I now have my long term goals and my short terms goals. I can even make my short term goals more specific, such as making time to go to Singles Ward activities, stop wasting time trying to make things work with guys I know I don't really want to be with in the future, making sure I take a full load of classes next semester in order to graduate soon, looking into internships and grad schools, and reading church talks and the scriptures every day. If something you're doing now won't get you to the life you really want, then why are you doing it? Another helpful tool to get back to who you really are is to write down what you believe and what your values are in life. Write down what inspires you. Make lists of things that make you who you are, because you may have forgotten or swayed from you are.
2. Read and watch only uplifting, happy things:
I used to think that I couldn't be affected emotionally by what I watch, but then I started thinking, "Why don't I feel happier after watching all 4 seasons of Vanderpump Rules (younger version of Real Housewives)?" Well, probably because all of that drama can be seriously DEPRESSING! I always feel happy after watching Arthur (yes, the children's show...shhh don't tell anyone), cooking shows, The Bachelor (cause that's just the right amount of drama), and funny shows like New Girl, so I decided that that's pretty much all I'm going to watch! It's fun to watch the occasional dramatic reality TV show or depressing doctor show, but if you really want to be happy and stay happy, make the majority of what you view and read be uplifting and positive. Makes sense, doesn't it? It reminds me of when I went to I Am Legend with my friend and her mom when I was in high school and I thought it would be a grand old time. At the time that was the scariest movie I'd ever seen, and when I got home I thought those ugly white zombies things were huddling in a circle in the corner of my room and I couldn't sleep the rest of the night. What did I expect? I had just gone to see a dark depressing scary movie and I thought I would fall asleep happy and relaxed? Put into your system only what will help you and make you feel good. I recently had a breakup that has been pretty difficult for me to deal with and even though it sounds pathetic, I got this amazing breakup book. I read it every day to help me get through this. I know, super pathetic. But it's a happy inspiring book that makes me feel like I'm not alone. I've also been reading a Pride and Prejudice type book because that makes me happy as well. I'm reading and watching things that will lift my spirits instead of keep me down in the gutter of sadness, drama, and chaos.
3. Do something nice for yourself but remember to also think about others:
When I'm going through a terribly difficult time in my life, I tend to think solely 100% about myself and what will make me feel better. It's all about me, me, me. The truth is, you really do need to think about yourself and try to get out of the rut, but just as importantly, you need to balance it out by also thinking of others. Spend some time on yourself each day and then make sure to spend time thinking of others. The past few weeks I have pushed every single person that's tried to help me away. Every single one. I just wanted to think about me and deal with me. I felt I didn't have enough energy to deal with anyone else or hear what anyone else has to say. But when I think back to other times I have felt like this in my life, the most helpful for me to do was to keep up my relationships with others so that I don't feel so alone. To do that, you need to make quality time for others and go out of your way to show the people you love, that you care about them. When I'm really sad, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and never speak to anyone ever again but I always feel better when I think of how others are feeling and stop thinking that I'm the center of the universe and the only one with problems. There is a time for grieving and crying at first, and then you need to pick yourself up and balance your day with doing things for yourself and doing things for others.
4. You can still say no even though you care about others:
This is a tough one for me. I'd rather eat a bowl full of worms and spiders than say "no" to anyone. I'm a people pleaser. But sometimes in life, for reasons you may not even know, you just can't handle another stress, another event, or another phone call, and you're allowed to say "no," at that time. It doesn't mean you won't be able to socialize or make it to a family event at a later time, but at that time you just don't feel like it's something you can add to your plate of already stressful things, and that's okay. I love the statement I found in a book I recently read, "Too often people with no boundaries have gotten into the habit of over explaining themselves or thinking that they must clarify their actions to make someone understand. That is not true; you don't need to explain anything to anyone if you don't want to." This is a tough one for me because there seems to be a fine line between selfishness and having boundaries. When I'm saying "no," am I being selfish and only thinking of my own needs or am I setting boundaries? This other statement helped me figure that out- "Having boundaries means you know how to say no, and when you say yes it's of your own violation, and without coercion, feelings of guilt, or an overblown sense of duty." I think of some of the healthy relationships in my life and know that when a person I have a healthy relationship with asks me if I can do something for them (see them, run an errand for them, call them, text them, etc.) and I am unable to, they understand. They may wonder if I'm okay because I haven't texted or called them back, but they don't make me feel guilty. For example, my mom has asked me to go to a couple of family reunions with our family, that I have been unable to attend. I simply said, "I don't think I can go. I'm pretty busy during that time and it'll add a lot of stress to make it out at that time." That was the end of the conversation- no guilt, no pressure, no making me feel bad for not being able to go. She understood that I'm an adult and I can say no if I'm unable to make it. Yes, she wished I could go, but I couldn't and that was okay. You really can say no and you really can make your own decisions in your life, no matter what anyone else says. That doesn't mean you should completely disregard other peoples feelings, but you do what you can handle, when you can handle it.
5. Be healthy:
The other LAST thing I want to do, along with saying, "no" to people, is exercising/eating healthy when I'm sad. I don't even want to tell you how many tacos and Chick-Fil-A sandwiches I've eaten the past few weeks. Or the amount of time I've spent laying on my bed watching Netflix. But I PROMISE if you want to feel better, two of the most important things you can do are eating healthy and exercising. The other day, instead of pulling into the Chick-Fil-A drive through like I was about to do, I swerved to the right and pulled into the Albertsons parking lot and got myself an Odwalla drink and a nectarine. That was a seriously tough decision to make, no joke. But I did it and I felt so much better afterwards! I've also been trying to go on as many hikes as I can, dance around my room for exercise, and will soon be attempting to run every once in awhile. Just remember what Elle Woods said, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands .They just don't." They also don't lay in their beds crying and hating life because they're too happy to be doing that.
6. Get out there. Meet new people and be open to new friendships.
It's hard to make new friends and be the kind of person people want to be friends with when you're down in the dumps. But once you feel like you've got some of the sadness out of your system and figured out what you want to do with your life, make time to socialize. It's going to be out of your comfort zone but all the best things in life come from getting out of your comfort zone. I cried for a week straight about my break up (I know you've been there, don't judge) but then when I started feeling a little better, even though it wasn't something I necessarily wanted to do, I decided to slowly start hanging out with people again. I went out to dinner with my co workers, went on a few hikes, and went to a movie. I don't have a set group of best friends right now like I have at other times in my life, but in order to form those healthy close friendships that I want, I have to put in the effort. I can't make friends sitting alone on my bed all the time watching Netflix. If you already have a good group of close friends, make some time for them. Even though I'm partly an introvert, I have realized that I absolutely have to socialize sometimes or I'm not happy at all. I think everyone needs to socialize at least a little bit.
7. Do something that makes you happy:
This goes along with doing something nice for yourself from Step #3. More specifically, do things you already know make you happy and find something new to do that makes you happy. Trying something new, even if you don't like it, will make you feel more adventurous and creative, even if you find out that you don't like doing that activity.
Here are some things you could do to make you feel happier:
take yourself shopping
buy a new book to read
take a bubble bath
go to or rent a movie
play basketball (even by yourself just to shoot some hoops)
take a long bike ride
hike
get a massage
deep-condition your hair
take yourself to dinner
take someone else out to dinner
get your nails done
sit in the park and read a book
go for a walk along a scenic path
take your camera out and shoot photos
book a spa day
start a blog
find a recipe you think looks good, buy the ingredients, and cook alone or with someone else
buy a new planner and plan out the next week
go to a therapy session
go visit a quaint town or explore downtown in your city
get together with a friend and give out flowers to random strangers to make their day
compliment every person you see (if you can find something about them to genuinely compliment)
go on Pinterest
watch a funny uplifting movie (Legally Blonde, What About Bob, Nacho Libre, Happy Gilmore, Bridesmaids, 50 First Dates, Liar Liar, Despicable Me, Tommy Boy)
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